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03 April 2016 @ 11:12 pm
For more over a year, I bade farewell to Kpop, only listening to a few groups that I refused to let go. In which, they were consisted of countable groups like FT Island, SNSD, Apink and Infinite. Recently, I was dragged back into the Kpop circle once again and in the most unexpected group I would imagine. It makes me think of all my ultimate biases over the years. Therefore, hereby I present to you my ultimate Kpop bias over the years.

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Kim Junsu, TVXQ5
2008 - 2010

The memory somehow left my brain now of how Su became my ultimate bias at 2008. I wasn't a kpop fan back then and the first group that I liked was FT Island. I remember how TVXQ impressed me with their vocal and dancing skills as a whole group. Maybe it was his vocal ability that caught my attention, but it is definitely his personality that kept him in that position over the two years that I was a cassie. Even though it was mere two years, I was a devoted cassie and Junsu fan. I have never like any group like I loved TVXQ back then. Junsu was both lead vocal and lead dancer in TVXQ. His talents are undeniable. SM kept his image as boyish and pure and innocent. His bright personality was what I doted the most back then. When TVXQ hurt me too much, I left and somehow, Junsu's image differ too much from his SM days.


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Lee Sungyeol, Infinite
2011 - 2012

He is the reason I became an Inspirit. There were a lot of moments that I insisted that Myungsoo, Sungyeol and Sunggyu were my equal bias, but deep down, I always know that Yeollie is my ultimate bias until Kris Wu debuted. Sungyeol first captured by attention with his visual. He's not the most good looking member because we have Myungsoo, but he just looked like my type. I like him for his elementary school character. He's childish and fun. Although Kris Wu replaced him as my ultimate bias, Sungyeol had always been a very close second place for many years. Over the years, I supported him despite his lack of confident over his singing, despite his lack of confident for his appearance. Somehow, at one point, I just stopped liking him.


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Kris Wu, EXO12
2012 - 2014

I bet I like him more than I like EXO in the beginning. Honestly, I like Kris because of how he looks. Although he is really warm and funny, he treats his fans with respect and love and warmth, I think I like Kris best because he is really hot. Even without SM pampering his appearance now, I still think he looks like a sex god. I wouldn't date all my biases, except for Kris. I stopped stanning Kris because I stopped liking Kpop altogether. I'll never stop liking Kris Wu even if he's not my ultimate bias. He's just fab.


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Jackson Wang, GOT7
2016 - ?

I didn't fall for Jackson because of Kpop. I came to know Jackson from Running Man and him talking in Cantonese is hot. However, what seal the deal is his MC gig with Take Care of My Fridge. I adore him in the show because he's really honest and adorable and funny and natural. It's like his qualities as an artist, as himself are a long list that I couldn't even finish. I also like the fact that he is so good in all the languages he knew. I like how filial he is as a son. I like how thoughtful he is toward his fans. I like how loving he is toward his group members. I respect him for his passion, for his dreams. I don't know how long I will stan Jackson, but I'm in this hellhole that I don't know if I know how to climb up. Yeah.

Current Music: got7 - u got me
16 March 2016 @ 10:29 pm
1. Favorite BOY Group?

2. BIAS in that group?
Jackson Wang

3. Favorite GIRL Group?

4. BIAS in that group?
Yoon Bomi

5. Ultimate Bias?
Jackson Wang

6. Favorite Leader?
Kim Sunggyu, Infinite Kim Sunggyu really let me see a lot of different reasons why he is a good leader. He brought Infinite from the bottom. When they reached the higher ground, he thrives to make sure the whole group stick together. He always takes care of the other members and picks them up when they are down.

7. Favorite Song?
TVXQ - Love In The Ice

8. Favorite Japanese Version of a Song?
Infinite - Be Mine

9. Favorite English Version of a Song?
U-kiss - Stop Girl

10. Favorite Actor/Actress in kpop?
Nam Woohyun, Infinite Bias much? I don't watch a lot of drama and I sincerely thought Woohyun is a natural actor.
Yoona, SNSD I haven't watch a lot, but I did watch Yoona's Prime Minster & I and I fell in love with her.

11. Cutest Couple?
Myungyeol They are downright the best friends ever regardless fanservice. The kind of friendship that requires understanding and love that I believe comes from the depth of their hearts.

12. Who Would You Date?
Kris Wu He's not even Kpop anymore, but I'll still date him.

13. Who Would You Date of the Opposite Gender?
Jessica Jung Because I once said, I would go lesbian for her!

14. Who Would You Want as a Brother?
BamBam, GOT7 I think he's adorable and he would be that kinda annoying baby brother who would never stop talking. lol

15. Who Would You Want as a Sister?
No one? XD

16. Who Would Make a Good Husband/Wife?
Kim Jaejoong, JYJ I think he's sweet and he would cherish that girl with all his heart because he knows how to appreciate.

17. Favorite Solo Artist?

18. Favorite Under-rated Group?
Lunafly They sing really beautifully, but their songs really didn't give them any justice.

19. Favorite Music Video?
Infinite's Nothing Over/ GOT7's Just Right/ Apink - Secret Garden

20. Favorite Dance?
Super Junior's Sorry Sorry
Current Music: GOT7 - so lucky
25 August 2015 @ 11:39 pm
Although it's been on and off nowadays, I have been an inspirit for almost four long years. I might not been there when they were struggling but I was there when they were still living in that dorm that so poorly sound proof the fans could hear them from outside. They have walked so far, together.

After watching Grow, I realize they are so lonely even if they are seven of them. Seeing how Dongwoo walked alone, Hoya danced alone and Sungjong who needed just a lending ear... really hurt. It was obvious they are distanced by their popularity. When they are thriving for the fame, they had one goal, the same goal... that's to win number one in music awards. That goal tied them together and they cherished every moment they had together and every moment they fought for the top. Now it seemed the goal had became the past, they were fatigue from the works and their existence reminded them of work.

Even though life have worn them of energy and life, they still walk it through. When they mentioned that Grow had depicted their passion and dream of 20s, I realize they knew the fame is short-lived. Like firework, spreading with brightness and loud cheers, but the sparks end as soon as it came. They knew it will only be their dreams now. It made me feel so much...

I really hope... in the years to come, they will continue their journey of life, no matter where it leads to, together.
Current Music: infinite - together
08 June 2015 @ 01:57 pm
Life is hard enough. Really. But, people seems to be able to make it worse.

I encounter a woman, which I would gladly classify as bitch. For really obvious reason, I did notice my mistake, thus the apology. I get that apology doesn't always come with forgiven, but to be stabbed in the back... it's really mind blowing. I fucked up, I get it, do everyone has to be mean about it? She can always complain back at my face, punch me in the face but to do it behind my back, she is really something. Yeah... bitch.

For someone being an air attendant, she lacks of courtesy, lacks of grace and purely a mean girl. I never really ever called anyone I know a bitch, even that crazy friend that accused me of stealing her boyfriend. This girl, I just couldn't help it.

Bitch, woman. You bring your claws, I'll bare my fangs.
Current Music: pitbull - give me everything ft. ne-yo, afrojack, nayer
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There was never an instance that Jaejoong was my bias during my stay in TVXQ fandom. I was a big fan of Junsu and I was known for it. When TVXQ broke up, I sickeningly followed JYJ because Yoosu was my ultimate bias and Jaejoong was always there in a special place in my heart. It was different with JYJ. I knew their friendship is unbreakable, they conquered so much. The hurt was there the entire time and I had to let go. The hurt is still here.

However, when I kept away from all five of them, the special place of Jaejoong amplified. I would ache for him, I would cry for him... because Jaejoong in some or another, touched my heart to the core. He always smile and animated and always a lubrication to all the sharp edge of others. His compositions always managed to clench my heart tightly. His life was always a difficult one... being adopted and put into exploitation for his fame. There is always a dark zone in his heart. I cherish that human side of him.

When news of him entering military, I just feel so much. The love I felt when I loved TVXQ, the five of them.. just comes crushing on me. The pain of losing that reality, the world I desperately tried to live in come back and choke me. I smiled in tears, saying come back safely, Jaejoong.

I hope life in there are much lesser harsh than I imagine, though I doubt so. You can conquer the hatred of millions anti-fan, the injustice of your own country entertainment industry, surely you can conquer this. Come back safely, Jaejoong.
Current Music: tvxq - hey girl
16 March 2015 @ 01:06 am
Honestly, I believe it's the most thing I ever told myself my whole life. 'Breathe, woman, breathe...' I told myself that when I had asthma attacks during my younger days. I'm that sick kid who never have full attendance at school. I told myself that when my lungs collapse on me when I grew older and thought asthma will be my past forever. I realize it would never completely go away. I told myself that when I had panic attack at work. I suck in my life. I think so.

It's been very difficult years. Work really exhausted me. I get sick every two months and I couldn't sleep well. I guess I never told anyone, especially those who are close to me, I get panic and worry a lot at work. Prescribing glasses for children, and sometimes adults too stressed me. I get worried when people came for Lasik and putting their eyes on my hands. It scares me a lot. I wanted to leave, but I don't feel belonged elsewhere. I guess it put my mind in constant spinning and working, I couldn't sleep at night. I tired my brain so much, sometimes I felt the kind of exhaustion that you had for not sleeping for a while.

I really like an interview of Chris Evans. He is known with panic attacks and it makes him human. I really like how he would tell himself to just shhh, to just let that worry voice in the brain to shut the fuck up. I really like that. I know I have that worry voice... it's the reason I couldn't sleep, but I just couldn't deal with the troubles in my life. I want to tell that voice to shhh... too. I'm not that brave, not that strong, to make a difference.

I really wanted to write again. Although I'm not particularly good at it, it's something I'm genuinely love to do. I hope it can keep my stress level at bay. I feel like I'm driving myself to insanity.

Right in this exact moment, I can feel the stuff trying to block my airway.

Breathe, please, breathe.
Current Music: one direction - night changes
The year of 2014 saw me becoming an adult, or I hope so. I am at my end of 20s and I'm not even sure I act like one. Kpop had always become a part of my life. That's when I realize it become a repetitive step that I take every single day. I didn't went to any concert last year and life was so dull and just endless working and travelling.

My enthusiasm became so weak last year, when Kris left the scene. It literally occupied my mind for those months before becoming a past. When the past turned ashes, I couldn't bring myself to care, for anything. I still like Kpop because it's music. I always in need of music and sound... the quietness surrounding me is too loud. It screams lonely every single day.

Even if I'm no longer passionate for the idols, the music kept me going on. This is the music that occupy the loneliness, the quietness and the dull of my life.

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she walked, the night cast shadow in every lurking alley, the darkness embraces her lone soul, she turned back, the dark couldn't scare her more than blood red in her irises...Collapse )
Current Music: avril lavigne - i love you
01 January 2015 @ 09:43 pm
I realize if I don't start making a list, I might really die. The only thing that's holding me back is my parents. I cherish my family because they are never going to leave me. The start of a new year... and I just have to get sick. /sigh

It isn't a long list, but I need it, I guess. I need to do something to keep me from going zombie.

1. I need to start writing again. It was my passion and I went through difficult times by writing everything angst out of my system. I survived life because of it. I need to start writing, even if it means as far as this blog.

2. By July, I'm gonna book a matchmaking agency. Really. lol This might be the most embarrassing thing I ever do, but I really think I probably need this. I told a friend this is something I would do this year. Whatever. Life too short to care, right?

3. Start signing up for government job. I got fed up with my current job. I got fed up with my current life.

4. Continue whatever I'm doing right now, eat healthy and working up.

This is all I can think of. I'm always the emo kid growing up. The one who thought of sadistic thoughts and wrote poetry and even suicide letter, the one who cut herself because it felt good. I guess, it really hard shaking those sadistic thoughts away.
Current Music: o-town - all or nothing
01 January 2015 @ 02:16 pm
Coming into a new year, it scares me, especially you reach an age, you're simply terrify of aging. Every year I would make a closure for my year of Kpop, and it seems like I'm going break the tradition this year. I could still do if I really want to because all in all, I still like Kpop. However, I seem to grown out of it. I used to say Kpop is my lifebuoy, I always clinched on it like my life depends on it. It keep me floating, breathing and living. When the enthusiasm started to drift away, I want to do everything I can to keep it close because it is my lifebuoy.

I might drown, lost if I lost it. I'm scared.

Coming into the new year, I feel extremely jaded, lonely and lacking of emotions. I stop having new year resolutions for the past few years. At first, I simply just think it's unnecessary because I never really accomplished anything. Now, I just couldn't bring myself to care. I feel like I could die this minute and I wouldn't even regret anything because I have nothing I actually desire.

I guess, it's more terrifying... when you're living, but with no drive.

I used to love writing and art. I simply lost the creativity, the ideas... as work became such a prominent portion in my life. I used to have ideas, full of them running in my brain like some hyperactive impulses. I get imaginations and pictures and 'gif' in my brain, even from the songs, the movies, the books I read. My brain went to a stroke now, simply fill with eyes, cataracts, retinal holes, myopia. Nothing creative, and simply facts that could drown all your creativity. My passion became a past and I never felt enthusiastic over writing anymore.

I have a job, a fine pay and it became my life. The job became my life because everyday I woke up, that's simply it. I don't hate my job, but I just don't love it. It is simply a job to put food on my table, to pay my insurance, the security in life that you will never be broke and penniless and homeless. I don't have the urge to step up, to work more, to reach the higher ground because it's never my passion. I will never be passionate for my job.

I don't have a boyfriend. I don't really feel the need to. I did promise myself, if I didn't get a boyfriend this year, I might consider speed dating or matchmaking because I need something in my life. I'm too tired emotionally, I couldn't bring myself to care about a lot of things in life. I couldn't care more for friends because really... those are the peoples that made me hiding in my shell, making me feel I will never be good enough. I didn't want a boyfriend because I'm terrify of revealing myself to someone.

Living toward 2015, I simply feel like if I am to diminish right this moment, rupture into ashes and fly with the wind, I would feel light and happy. I might die this year. I really couldn't see a purpose of living a dead life.
Current Music: the sound of the fan turning in circles
28 December 2014 @ 12:18 am
A group of 7 boys
known of synchronization choreography

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you are my infinity, my everlasting youth, my tears of joy... you are infinite.Collapse )
Current Music: infinite - hysterie